Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
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jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to