@RiotGrlErin

therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?

me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter

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@david8hughes

Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?

@meganamram

It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water

@Professor_Ryan

Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”

Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.

@UncleDuke1969

Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.

@mortimermaiden

[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.

@Proxic0n

[Date]

Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?

Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.

*We just start making out*

@JB4Realz

I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.

@jonnysun

*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”