therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
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[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.