Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
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CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
X-tra spooky blend
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay