@MacDicksonShow In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
@zachary_lampley Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
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@MacDicksonShow 
@11111234567890a I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
@schumoo Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
@meantomyself I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
@spaceboyriley Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
@Pork_Chop_Hair My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
@Thynebear “You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
@degg just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
@KalvinMacleod ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
@theB6Chronicles WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.