Therapist: So what’s the problem?

Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.

Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.

*lowers foot that was raised*

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I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed


Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house


I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it


My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.


“You’ve got a friend in me.”

– Cannibals, probably


just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot


ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*



A forum for passive aggressive behavior!

WHEN do we want it?

NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.