therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
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Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories