Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daddy! Tell me a story..

The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.

Good night.

My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.

This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.

what kind of cook setting is this??

Body: go to sleep

Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this

Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.

[dinner at brother’s house]

“So where are the kids?”

Brother: I grounded them.

*spits out meatloaf*

What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?

ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*

Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby

Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree

[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]

Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.

*Tweets funniest tweet ever

*Dies laughing

*Over 6 billion die laughing

*Germany and Russia survive

*Coz nobody left to explain the joke

I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!

that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)

Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..

Now I just smell like shit

TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?

JAMES: he’s a-

ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer

As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.

Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw

Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.

me: my car makes a funny noise

mechanic: that’s the horn

I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.

I thought you said “Face punch me”.

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…

Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first

Have you tried locking him in your trunk?

Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?

Me:…I rap a lot less.

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*