Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
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If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on