Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
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When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
These dogs look like they have good credit.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
I hate when that happens.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”