Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
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so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Thursday Thought.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?