Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
You Might Also Like
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
These are my emotional support Pringles.