THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
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There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now