Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
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Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased