Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
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Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
men are simple creatures
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?