therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
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date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
how to exercise your calf muscles
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
CUTE CAT‼︎
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne