Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
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My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
sry
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I’m not stressed
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
can I use a minion as a tampon
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.