Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
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Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!