(therapist voice)
Please, lie down on the shrouch.
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Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Just opened 3 birthday cards and so far I have 80 bucks.
I love being a postman.