Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
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If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.