Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
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If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*