THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
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Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Dear Lord..
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Siri: Retweet me.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
*me flirting
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
don’t we all