Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
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You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are