Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
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Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Dishonest mechanic?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave