THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
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My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin