Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
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So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
I’m putting together a team
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
smh
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will