therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
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I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
stand with me against insufficient seating
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.