therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
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Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
no refunds
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.