Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
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Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people