Therapist: What is your greatest fear

Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life

Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*

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FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised


Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.


Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…



[police lineup]

Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’

Suspect 1: boing boing

Suspect 2: boing boing

Desk lamp: boing boing

Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband


Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.


[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box


male coworker: how’s it hanging?

me: loose and to the left


me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?

him: not a chance


A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)



ME: Tell me about yourself

HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire

ME: That’s weird

HER: What is?

ME: Being afraid of stairs


Me: How long should I microwave this for?

Popcorn instructions: How should we know?