Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
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Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.