Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
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Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.