@ArfMeasures

Therapist: What’s the issue?

Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club

Therapist: You want to talk about it?

Me: That’s right

You Might Also Like

@chimneyspotter

DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft

@bingowings14

18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.

@raoulvilla

You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also

We are not the sane

@thegallowboob

its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads

@InternetHippo

me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me

dad: and they like you?

me: haha oh goodness no

@TheHyyyype

ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life

EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography

@mxmclain

Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes

@EricaWhoToYou

“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.

@msdanifernandez

My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.

@TweetPotato314

Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.