Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
You Might Also Like
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Traveler’s camo
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
i think we should see other cousins
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.