THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
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This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.