Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
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MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Ferrari squats
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone