@panmidwest

THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless

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@warmyellowlight

when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there

@ristolable

I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it

@TheHyyyype

ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!

MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal

[later]

ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks

@hmcpherson17

My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂

@OneyeBogey

Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.

@GianDoh

I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.

@WendyLiebman

For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.

@ehdannyboy

“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Banned from driving.

@CChilllll

My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:

Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat

@AskBellaWagner

When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.