when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
ME: she exclaimed
ME: she was speechless
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I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Banned from driving.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.