THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
You Might Also Like
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Mmmm canned fish.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.