THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
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When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.