Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
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Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
This was my dad’s browser history.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids