therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
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It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.