Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
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Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Breaking news:
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?