Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
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*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Them: You should try keto
Me:
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
The biggest mystery of our time
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.