BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
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I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die
*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.