Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
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How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough