Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
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My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
channeling her this year
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.