THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
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I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
meow
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*