Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
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Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
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Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.