Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
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[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
The government even made aliens boring
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.