Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
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What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest