Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
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I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Oh my God.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Not today.. 😂
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.