Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
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Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.