THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
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Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.