Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
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love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.