Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful

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I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.


Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.


Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.


My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.


Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*


I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.


People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day

Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing


The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.


-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?

-It’s haunted by a low level demon

Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful