@Michael1979

Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful

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@STRIKINGxVIKING

How to get a job on Game of Thrones:

Q: Can you act?

A: Sorta

Q: Will you get naked?

A: Yes

HIRED!

@whereami18

Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee

@smilely_gal

7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.

@NerishaLakha

Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.

@MacAnnabella

Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.

@BlindChow

[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t

*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw

@ToonieLane

Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.

@Cornjerker78

A tired woman is a mean woman.

Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.

@PinkCamoTO

I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.