@Michael1979

Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful

You Might Also Like

@sliver_of

I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.

@MelwiththeHair

Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.

@kelkulus

Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.

@FunnyIsFamily

My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*

@robdelaney

I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.

@dubiousrhetoric

People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day

Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing

@ginnyhogan_

The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.

@Angibangie

-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?

-It’s haunted by a low level demon

Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful