therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
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I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes